And this could easily lead to the throbbing pressure in my head, my bad mood at the end of each night, and my ridiculous need to find solace in ridiculous things – but this job hunting, and constant on-the-go, stuck-in-LA-and-OC-traffic, too-dressed-up Kayla that I’ve become is not the Kayla I enjoy being.

And it’s killing all of my energy.

I’m getting pulled in too many directions, unsure of what I want anymore while knowing what I want and repeatedly getting blocked from it.  It’s a mindfuck.

My resume doesn’t feel like me when I read it, this person answering these questions doesn’t feel like me – but I’ve come to the point where I’ve realized in the predicament I am in, I’m going to shut my mouth, take care of business, and enjoy the sporadic sprinkling of good moments I get to have.

Like last night, I got to interview a great band I’ve listened to on and off for years, I got to see them live, and I got to remember something that has always made me happy no matter what.

MUSIC.

Along with the next five to six hours of writing I plan to finish tonight (I’m on a mission), I also plan to work on some good playlists to keep on my phone and in my car so I don’t have to keep dealing with the radio, and repetitive talk radio.  I need something to keep me together in traffic, something to wind down to after a difficult interview, something to sing loudly and badly to when I get yet another rejection email or call.  I have it all so accessible, I don’t know why I’m not more prepared for days like today, driving back and forth, sitting in traffic, hanging in parking lots searching craigslist for any open interviews I can find.

I’ve been really lucky to see so much good live music lately.  Some of the bands from the Orange County Music Awards, Ian, Zella Day, a random acoustic set at Viento y Agua, and Delta Nove and their beautiful random set last night.  There’s something so healing about good music.

Food has been boring – and that’s on me.  I don’t have the money to get the foods I want to eat that I know are good for me, so I’m doing the best I can with what I can afford.  And the argument that it’s almost impossible to eat healthy while poor is very true.  So I’ve tried to make some good choices and sacrifices.  Yesterday after a series of interviews and errands I ran for my mom, when I picked up her groceries I picked up a super cheap frozen dinner.  

Ugh I know.  I’m a little ashamed of myself.  BUT, it was a channa masala dinner (chickpeas, some kind of masala sauce thing, broccoli, cauliflower, and basically a small sprinkle of rice) only about 280 calories, not too many cals from fat or saturated fats.  It was however crazy ridiculously high in sodium (as i predicted) and I made it a point for the rest of the day to keep an eye on anything else I consumed for it’s sodium content.  I ended up making a spring/herb salad with yellow bell pepper and a whole tomato chopped on top of it with “asian sesame” dressing to eat along side the meal.  I knew I couldn’t go wrong with that choice, and I didn’t feel as guilty afterwards.  Though, it’s hard to feel guilty when you eat a large plate of leafy things and a whole tomato…

Today has been a very coffee fueled day.  And I’m lucky I got used to drinking coffee black, because it’s definitely has helped cut down on any crazy sugar and calories I used to intake.  I’ve been working on drinking more tea, especially with this weird weather that’s hot all day long and cold all night.  A giant glass of black iced tea and tons of ice with a large orange wedge makes me way too happy – but we have to find happiness in something, right?

I’m writing and finishing off my night at one of my favorite Long Beach coffee shops, The Library.  My day has consisted of: countless cups of coffee (okay maybe 5), dry granola, a banana, 2 oranges, and some weird protein/green smoothie Dana made for me (which I appreciate but didn’t help with the hunger thing as much as she promised), so for dinner I ended up getting a turkey breast, mozzarella sandwich on whole wheat bread.  No mayo, and mustard on the side.  I also got an iced tea to help wind down on the caffeine consumption I’ve worked on all day.  I have to remember I can’t simply cut out carbs like I have been told forever, I just have to be cautious on what kinds I eat and how much.

Tomorrow’s another day.  2 more interviews, one in Long Beach a few minutes away from my apartment, and one in Torrance.  My Delta Nove article is due for editing, and I have a great documentary screening with PSSA.  Then I get to end the night with a chicken/bok choy/and something dinner at my mom’s.

Here’s some pictures to end this post, because I have no clue how and my brain is blanking:

So a slightly filtered picture of myself before an interview (feeling pretty good).

Me post-interview feeling pretty beat up – but still a little pretty.

And here’s some motivation I keep on my phone and reread at least twice a day:

Today has been very strange. But I’m just going to go with it.

I don’t know if it’s the cramps or the confusion in my brain from all these calls and emails, but I want a rich chocolatey mocha and a doughnut.

Looks like another night connected to my phone waiting for calls and emails.

But for now, I’m at the gym. It’s empty. And that food network show with the cameras and spies and whatnot is on so I plan to get a lot of cardio in today.

At least I get my choice of elliptical. That always makes me a little happier.

So this week I lost 1 pound.  Lower than what I want, but was exactly what I had predicted.  I definitely haven’t put much of an emphasis on exercise as I should have and need to, and have been finding excuses left and right to justify not being at the gym.

BUT – I’m not upset or discouraged, because I’ve already hit my monthly weightloss goal, and I still have one more week to go.  So that’s pretty cool too!

I’ve had more call backs, second interviews, and interest which has been really great for my brain, and my self-esteem.  But if someone doesn’t hire me on soon I’m going to start losing hair or something.  Which probably wont help me find a job.

I’m finally going to the store this weekend to pick up food – and I am making sure to get a variety of ingredient to make different things.  Not the usual I’ve been getting really bored with.  Looking forward to some recipes I’ve found throughout magazines and blogs.  There’s this really cool tomato-veggie stew with turkey meatballs I want to try, and these lentil based veggie patties I just had and fell in love with.  Definitely wasn’t as heavy or as salty as the one’s I’ve bought before.  I also have been tinkering with a curry lentil dish I want to serve under fish, so I definitely need to figure out how to hook myself up with some of the more pricey ingredients.

I’m still conflicted about the venison “bacon” my mom shared with me.  But there’s still a lifetime to decide on that.

Wednesday night before our book club, she told me I looked like I had gained a lot of weight, and last night she made some comment about my eyes looking sick.

This is the stuff that used to get to me.  A lot.  I would leave her place and pick up a bottle of wine, or get a pint of ice cream and sit at home pissed off and smother my feelings with mint chip or something sweet and salty with peanut butter.  But this time – I informed her she was very wrong, made it clear I was proud of the 8 pounds in 3 weeks I had lost, and when we went to our book club, didn’t indulge in piles of cheese, pasta, or chocolate truffles she had me carry down.  I filled half my plate with this great lettuce, brussel sprout, fennel salad – one narrow slice of swiss cheese, one fruit/nut cracker, one small cut of brie cheese, and about two bites of pasta (if you can measure it in bites).  It was really good carbonara that Laura (who made it) said it was lighter than normal recipes, but I didn’t let that justify a bigger serving for myself.

OKAY.  So yesterday after a long string of filling out the same application forms at different restaurants and being in my car on the freeway (I never drive so much on the 5, ever), I ended up having two hours to kill before some interview.  I ended up at Atomic Cafe near the John Wayne Airport and hidden in this weird business center/park/neighborhood.  I ended up getting this lentil veggie patty sandwich, with spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, banana peppers, some cheese, and this spicy brown mustard on multi grain toast.

I was in heaven.  Dude.

I felt really good after, got some of my much needed energy back, and was able to sit through a long presentation/group interview with all my attention and focus.

I’ve actually noticed a lot more control in myself lately.  When I walk past cookies, chocolate, and all the things I used to love to indulge in – I don’t automatically pick stuff up or even consider buying it anymore.  I was around those truffles all night, and didn’t succumb to their lightly cocoa dusted goodness.  But because I’m not indulging in all these crazy things I used to love so much, I don’t feel guilty about things I used to.  I used to do the crazy cycle where if I ate really badly, then I would eat really healthy and put tons of restrictions on myself.  But there’s only so long you can really maintain that before you burn out, and go back to stuffing your face with soda, ice cream, and cookies.  Like I used to.  All the time.

Tim and I had a discussion about having a cheat day, which I have debated with myself about a lot and decided after 2 or 3 months of progress, I’ll see where I’m at and consider something.  Maybe not necessarily a whole day, but something I can enjoy without any weird hesitation, negativity, or guilt. I still have time to debate it.

For now, I’m going to finish my yogurt, fruit, and granola, work on some more applications and calls, and kill time before the Carpenter Center box office opens.  Was supposed to get my car smogged, but my dude called in sick and I don’t really trust anyone else, so next week I get to hang at his shop.

What I’m wearing to my next interview (still need to do my make up – ugh I’m so tired of make up):

(Yes, that’s one of the old MusicInPress.com stickers.  If you want one of the new sleek cool ones, let me know ’cause I have a stack of them.  I’m thinking of covering my car in them.)

I may just use this blouse for the whole day.  Have a meeting later, Definitive Soapbox, and then a possible date night in.  It’s funky and cool and looks good with the jeans I have in my car because dress pants get kind of annoying after a while.  I also only have the one pair, so I need to make sure they last FOREVER.

Also, for anyone who is like me and can never find jeans that fit well given waist, hips, thighs, booty, height etc – GO TO DRESSBARN.  Totally worth it.  Great quality jeans, and they are made to fit people.  It’s nice.  Also, I have thighs that rub together when I walk, and with the super cheap (price and quality) jeans I would get from Forever 21 and other places, they would wear down and rip within a few months, and that’s pretty lame, and uncomfortable, and uh… super lame because I never have money for clothes and usually own two pairs of jeans at a time.  Anyways, this totally doesn’t happen with Dress Barn jeans.  Also, they have cool blouses like the ones I’ve been wearing.  I normally don’t promote stores and brands, but I really like their stuff – and Bob’s company has blouses in their stores.  So this promotion counts as a double whammy.

So things have been a little crazy.

I’ve been able to function as a human which is wonderful and amazing.  I’ve been coughing like crazy, but it’s great to be back and as close to normal as I can get.  (Setting up all these shows and albums and bands to review, interview, and discover has definitely helped.  Music really does heal…)

I’ve been trying to set up as many job interviews as possible.  I have no money, and haven’t worked since the campaign.  I’ve been getting cleaned up, dressed up, and made up – shoving my face in doorways and calling people every week until they can’t ignore me.  All of my stamps are gone from thank you cards I’ve been sending after interviews…  And today there are three more.

BUT…  I had a moment of success and happiness yesterday and today.

I fit perfectly into an XL blouse I was given, and the 2X blouses were actually pretty loose.  It was an amazing feeling.  And despite being told “Oh they run big” and blah blah blah, even loose fitting hippie clothing I was wearing still showed off my gut and this blouse wasn’t half as bad. (it does a little but not nearly as much – also, I know my bra stands out through it but I didn’t have a tank top or anything to wear when I tried this on):

And today I put on the one pair of dress pants that I own, and I didn’t bulge out over the top like before, and totally no super gross camel toe.  Yes I said it.  Even the seven pounds or so I lost since the 1^st has made a difference, though it hasn’t looked like it when I stare in the mirror.  Here’s today’s interview outfit:

I went back to the gym yesterday which was amazing!  So good to be back.  Even though I couldn’t get back up to the intensity and time on the elliptical I had before the blog, I was able to do a steady and decent leveled 17 minutes before needing to stop and slow down.  Now to get back up to half an hour.  Then an hour.  Then hopefully I’ll be more comfortable running outside.  (I also did strength training for arms, back, and chest and lots of crazy ab workouts I’ve been collecting off of Pinterest and Tumblr.)

Today I’m crashing as many open interviews as possible, along with my three scheduled ones, but tomorrow I plan on another shot at a full workout before yoga on the bluff.  I miss feeling like a crunchy-granola-person on a bluff over the beach with the wind and everything.  When I went with Alyssa, I got really into a lot of the positions and transition and was trying to get so grounded I was literally rolling around in the dirt.

It was pretty awesome.

Food has been boring lately.  I have no money for it, so aside from finishing the frozen veggies I have in my freezer (which are super boring no matter what spices and things I use) my diet has consisted of left-overs from my mom.  Which is really sweet of her, and she’s been really understanding of my whole no steamed rice thing.  So it’s been a lot of chicken curries (and knowing that she made them I’m pretty confident they’re healthier than any I could buy or the ones I used to make), lots of fish, and veggies.  Tilapia and spicy green beans makes an amazing breakfast.  Just throwing that out there.  And curry on top of thick stalks of asparagus that has been sitting on my foreman grill just long enough to get them warm again.

(It may not look appealing, but it was DAMN good.)

I will say the other day she had pan de sal, and my brain started ringing. 

I love pan de sal.

It’s sweet.  It crumbles a little.  You can literally put anything on it and it’s amazing.

And I wanted to lather that one in Nutella, or peanut butter, or cream cheese, or top it with lox, or tons of mustard and soft spreadable cheese.  Even pan de sal as French toast is awesome.

But I controlled myself, and my brain.  Which I’m very proud of.  I put a thin layer of spicy brown mustard, one slice of provolone cheese that I tore in half to fit on the roll that even though it was wheat still tasted like heaven, and two slices of turkey breast.

It was actually pretty darn good, and I totally didn’t miss the Nutella.  (Okay, I’ll always miss Nutella, but that is something I’m banning myself from – and I haven’t put my foot completely down on anything yet).  But it was good, and reminded me why transitioning myself to eating things with mustard only and no mayo was totally worth it.  Even with these “olive oil” based mayos and things that are being sold, it’s never really been worth the calories, and mustard comes in so many beautiful forms, flavors, colors, and levels of spicy goodness.

I will admit if I could afford different flavors of hummus at one time, I would use hummus instead of anything else.  But good mustards are still pretty inexpensive, where as inexpensive hummus isn’t very good and have weird ingredients in them.

Now I haven’t been completely on track, sadly.  Aside from the few “Skinny lattes” I’ve had from Starbucks when I’ve gone with Dana (which were also NSA and were anywhere from 120-150 calories depending on size – which I found super surprising) I had some fries when I went to a friend’s when I was using their internet.  It wasn’t a huge amount, but I need to keep myself accountable.  I missed good salty stuff, and I had a small handful and after realized that as much as I missed them, I think I missed the idea of them in my head more than what they actually are. 

Got me thinking about other foods I see that I would eat without thinking about it that I haven’t had in so long. 

(I did completely swear off Girl Scout Cookies which was hard to do, but needed to be done. There’s always next year.  Though even if you don’t end up getting the cookies you should find ways to support the Girl Scouts ’cause they’re so much cooler than the Boy Scouts – much more accepting, better policies towards orientation, identity, and other forms of inclusion – and green is a better color than blue.)

The other night I had Filipino food, and realized I’ve reached the point where I can have a very small serving of rice, or none at all.  I don’t make giant heaping plates of rice anymore – despite how familiar and comforting it is.  There was a great meeting with amazing community members I’ve gotten to know and spend time with – and we got to spend time talking, making radical valentines, and eating great Filipino food.  Really good sinigang, adobo, pinakbet – I did have a small square of cassava cake, but after taking the square immediately moved away from the rest to keep myself from going back for more.

Today I’ll be running around a lot.  I have oranges and a small sandwich bag of dry granola to tide me over while I drive all over Orange County.  I had a free cup of coffee waiting on my Royal Cup stamp card, so I decided to use that and their internet.  But tonight, whenever I end up back home in Long Beach, I’m stopping by the store to pick up ground turkey, broccoli, and possibly a small piece of fish if there’s something sustainable and affordable.  I have some tomatoes that need to be used ASAP, and some spinach, and I plan to sauté those together and top with either a piece of grilled or baked fish, or turkey meatballs.  I have a whole day to decide what and how I’m going to make dinner.

But tomorrow, I’m having my variation of this great rice bowl I saw in a Food Network magazine.

I KNOW, I KNOW – RICE BOWL???

There’s has bacon, white rice, and eggs fried in sesame oil – but mine will have tofu, brown rice, and a poached egg (or an egg white cooked in a small amount of sesame oil – which sounds good but not as pretty or oozy and indulgent as my poached egg could be.)  It’s a weird combo but I really want to try it out because it’s one of the first recipes I’ve found in a magazine that also uses broccoli stalks – and I love them.  And it’s all easily quickly cooked (aside from the rice) and topped with a little bit of soy cause.  I will admit, I totally want to have this recipe down because it seems like a perfect hang over recipe (the original more so than my own) but I have really rarely had any wine or beer since the 1^st.  Maybe two glasses of wine, and two beers for the past three weeks.  Who the hell have I become?

Guess I’ll update tomorrow on what I end up making tonight and my plan for my Thursday rice bowl night.  Maybe I’ll end up making dinner for my dad before he leaves for Ohio for two weeks.

So it’s been another week of getting over this flu.

But I’m almost out of it.  I can function, and slowly but surely I’m cooking and eating meals again and it makes me happy.

Along with lots of pho this week -

I’ve had sauteed garlic spinach with grilled tilapia with 2 sliced tomatoes and 1 avocado sliced.  I’ve also had some ridiculously healthy and amazingly aromatic pizza during “top your own pizza” night at my mom’s.

(Okay, so I’m getting a little carried away with filters on these phone apps.)

So this was a personal sized pizza (probably 8″ or so) of wheat dough rolled pretty thin to get crispy, a light spread of pizza sauce, 2 cloves of garlic roughly chopped, a large handful of raw spinach, sliced tomato, slices of onion, and slices of bell pepper.

It was pretty damn awesome, super satisfying, but not filling.  And now that I can smell, the garlic and onion made it smell sooooo good.

There were a few times I didn’t make awesome choices, and let some urges decide before my brain, but I didn’t let it affect my decisions on food later on in the day, or the next day like I used to when I tried different diets.  No giving up just because of a few mistakes.  It actually inspired me to choose better and try harder despite my longing to go through a drive-thru instead of standing in the kitchen.

Today was a lot of tea, coffee, citrus vitamin c packed smoothies, and a pretty good veggie pita sandwich with hummus.  I got to enjoy my meal outdoors in the ridiculously warm Long Beach sun with Jeannine and talk about Long Beach and recipes and food.  So much fun.  The pita sandwich had onion, tomato, peppers, zucchini, and what looked like a yellow squash.  Great brunch (I’m considering it brunch).

I know I’m trying to eat fresh and not frozen or processed stuff, but I’m at my mom’s leeching her internet and Food Network for some inspiration, and was craving something crunchy but savory.  So I’m having raw spinach, sliced cherry tomatoes, 5 chicken/veggie dumplings that I boiled instead of browning or frying (comes out to about 260 calories) and some asian sesame salad dressing which is about 90 calories, so it’s not much more than 350 for the whole thing, filling, and colorful.

I weighed in today since I don’t have a scale at home and don’t know if I’ll be here tomorrow, and I’m 266.5 pounds.  I know a lot of this could be anything due to 2 weeks of mostly soups and broths, dehydration from being sick, and more.  But I’m hoping to maintain this 3 pounds a week or so weight loss that I’ve had when I start cooking more.  Also, because I’ve been sick I haven’t exercised much at all, so I know that once I start running and working out again I’ll be hungrier and eat more.

But I have been really making a conscious effort to pay attention to when I start getting full and what portion sizes I can actually handle, not just what looks like enough when I’m hungry.  This time I’ve spent by myself is really teaching me how to observe and feel what’s going on with my body and my brain.

Recipes I plan to use next week will be coming soon.  Really looking forward to get back to cooking often!

I’m also crazy nervous and excited because I have an interview tomorrow with Mahalo.com’s Food and Drink webcasts/shows for a writing position.  Check them out, they give some great tips on basics, and they have some awesome recipes, and opinions/breakdowns of different diets.

http://www.mahalo.com/category/food-and-drink

And these are their webcasts that are actually pretty cool:

http://www.youtube.com/user/watchsuperfoods

http://www.youtube.com/user/WatchInsideMyKitchen

http://www.youtube.com/user/FoodDeconstructed

http://www.youtube.com/user/RecipeWars

Ugh I can’t imagine what would be better than writing, professionally, about FOOD AND DRINKS!!!  My favorite things in the world along side coffee, talk radio, coffee, books, and uh…  More coffee.

Now I have a skype date with a beautiful and slightly crazy activist who was just arrested recently in DC for protesting the Keystone Pipeline.  So glad to have the chance to hear all about how she’s feeling about her first civil disobedience arrest.

Sitting in my mom’s kitchen, watching Cornish game hen slowly dance side by side in her rotisserie.  Smells so damn good, makes me wish I was more comfortable cooking meat at home.  And in truth, that’s going to be a major challenge in this push to eat healthy – learning how to cook more food and keep things interesting so I don’t fall off track.

Today was the first day I really ate a full meal that wasn’t broth based (hooray!).  Sauteed 1/4 of an onion (chopped) in some olive oil, threw in a chopped tomato with some salt and pepper before pouring a beaten egg over the mix and making myself a scramble.  I also had a piece of whole wheat toast I let toast on my grill pan with a slice of swiss cheese on it.  And I threw together slices from two tangerines and a large handful of blueberries in a bowl with the last of my honey.

Looking forward to dinner.  It looks like grilled asparagus, roasted cornish game hen, and some salad (everyone else will be having steamed rice, but I am gonna pass, I swear).  It’s actually giving me some good ideas for hen or chicken that I can cook low, slow, and simple to use for a couple different meals.

I weighed myself today, mostly from curiosity because I haven’t been working out and I know that a broth based diet would mean I wouldn’t have had as much opportunity to gain weight.  And I was right.  I was 269.4.  But I also know that now I’m able to handle solid foods and meals, that’s going to change.  And hopefully by Friday I’ll be back in the gym, and on the mat (I really miss outdoor yoga).

For now I’ll share this tip I saw in Health magazine that I like (but know I can’t give too much power to):

I feel bad.

I feel like I started this a little prematurely.  But that’s what it’s like meeting different people everyday and shaking hands and what not.  Now I’m sick.  And if it were an immobilizing, completely stuck in bed every single day until I’m better kind of situation, I wouldn’t mind so much.  But I’m just okay enough to get dressed, cough my way through interviews, and park my ass at a coffee shop to fill out more online applications and what not.

So lately my diet has been mostly tea, juice, cough syrup, vitamin C tablets, vegetable soup, pho, and veggie/tofu hot pots. I broke down this morning and had a tamale that my cousin had brought from her parent’s Super Bowl party, and it ended up making my throat hurt even more than before I ate it.  Awesome.  I’m going to consider that karma.

I’ve started thinking more and more of trying to get things I can handle swallowing that have more texture and substance than veggie broth, carrots, broccoli, and onions.  Really, the first two days I loved it and I enjoyed making it, but now I’m really bored.  I probably should have sprung for the extra 50 cents for a container of chicken broth…  Not sure why I didn’t. But that’s what I get shopping on cough syrup.

I am proud though of how I handled a grocery store and a brain driven by cravings.

I don’t know what it was about this weekend, but I had ridiculous and almost haunting cravings for ice cream, and later on in the day fried, well, anything.  Now, I’ve tried explaining this to my mom and to other people, about how strong these cravings get, and for the most part my mom just stares at me and says that’s bad or sick, or whatever.  But unless you’ve really ever dealt with this drastic of a change and this kind of denial to yourself, you don’t understand.  (Crap, it’s Girl Scout Cookie season isn’t it???)

Well, despite only being able to think about coffee ice cream with crushed oreos, or fried zucchini, I went through the store and picked up:
- 3 boxes of organic veggie broth
- giant bag of carrots (I still hear Bugs Bunny in my head whenever I take a carrot out of the fridge and bite into it.  Guess we never grow up that much.)
- Half loaf of whole wheat bread
- Hummus
- Light OJ (Want the vitamin C, not the sugar or calories though.)
- Avocados
- Blueberries
- Tomatoes
- and a small bag of brown rice – not the pre-cooked instant stuff.  If I’m gonna make myself rice I’m going to have to wait for it to cook and everything.

(And when I got home and realized my brain was focused of bad choices, I had a giant mug of tea, a handful of blueberries and two tablespoons of peanut butter.  Felt much better.  I’m going to have to find those list that tell you what your body really needs depending on certain cravings.)

But that’s been the hardest thing about being sick.  I used to use being sick as an excuse to get whatever was fastest and “cheapest”.  But what I’ve started to do this time around is admit to myself that not only was the a piss poor excuse, but it was probably the most unhealthy route as well.  And besides, I used to use too sick, too busy, too tired, too stressed, etc., as excuses not to treat my body better and not to maintain better eating habits.

So today has been lots of tea as always.  Tea has become an even better friend than I anticipated – not simply because I have way too many kinds and don’t have to leave the apartment – but because it’s aromatic, something to sip on throughout the day, and pretty to look at.  Also because I don’t put anything in it it’s almost always zero calories, and if it’s decaf it can help with hydration.  I can’t believe I just endorsed that, but only for tea!  

During my interview at Hot Java, Sergio let me have a cup of tea since I don’t have a voice any more (Egyptian Mint w/ a slice of lemon):
I finished off any left over soup, had an apple (which hurt like hell but tasted really good) and two tangerines.  I know that’s really not a lot, and I definitely need more calories so my body doesn’t assume I’m starving it again, so along with different pure juices and what not today, I’m also going to make a spinach, cucumber, avocado, and tomato sandwich with some hummus when I get back home.

Mmm.  Hummus.

I know this is really boring, and I wish I had more to report, but hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be back at the gym, and not just doing really basic yoga and weights (Fuck I feel lazy right now).  And I’ll have more to update, recipes, thoughts and all.

Parting note: I have been able to promise myself two things, and have handled it well so far.

1.  I will not eat when I am upset.  Whether this is sad, angry, depressed, frustrated, doesn’t matter.  I know that I cannot fill that emotional void with food.  No matter how much I try.

2.  I will not reward myself with food.  This is going to be the hardest part about this.  I used to find any reason possible to indulge in any of my favorites – but that’s how I got this close to 300 pounds, and it’s done more harm than good.

For now, I gotta get my voice back.

Today got crazy busy. A good busy, but busy nonetheless.

So when I have access to the Internet via computer, I’ll add the pictures and things I want to add to this starting post. But for now we’ll start with the basics:

Height: 5’5″
Weight: 273.8

My goals for this next year:
- I want to lose 8-10 pounds a month. I’m giving myself a little space because every doctor, nutritionist, and dietician I have spoken to has told me healthy weight loss is 1-2 pounds a week. I’m pushing for at least 2 pounds a week (at least 8 pounds a month). This means at least 88 pounds by the New Year. So I hope by 2014 to be 185. I can’t remember the last time I was under 200 pounds but it was probably in high school.
- I will work out at least 5 times a week. This is cardio, strength training, etc. If you have any suggestions for work outs or good music to keep you pumped up please share. I will try to do yoga at least 3 times a week.
- I will maintain healthy target glucose level, cholesterol, and blood pressure. This will be aided by the diet aspect of this challenge.
- I will complete a 5k in May and be proud of my time, no matter what it is. I would like to finish under 40 minutes though.
- I will weigh in once a week for the first 12 weeks to see how my progress is and figure out what I need to tweak and change. I will also post pictures after each weigh-in.
- I will hydrate better for my internal and external health.

Things I’m striving for:
- I will have energy and drive to get out of bed in the morning.
- I will be able to look at myself in the mirror.
- I will be able to think of myself as beautiful. Not just my work, my efforts, and my art, but myself as well.
- I will be proud of my progress.
- I will wear sleeveless shirts in public.
- I will stop thinking about cutting when I step on a scale.
- I will learn to let go.
- I will not let any negativity get to me. Whether it is myself, my family, society, or bad days. I will not give up like I have year after year because someone who has never dealt with this struggle is unhappy with my progress or decisions. I will not give up because one person continuously tells me I’m not working hard enough or changing fast enough.
- I will not let anyone sabotage my progress.
- I will be confident.

Originally a lot of those started out as “I want…” and started to turn to “I will…” guess I really am ready to take this on.

So let’s start with today:

I didnt work out today due to a really sore throat and nervousness about gettin sick again like everyone is. So I took it easy, upped my Vitamin C intake (whether or not it does work it makes me feel like I’m trying to prevent illness) and I hydrated like crazy. I also tried to stay as close to my 1500 calorie limit I’m sticking to for the day (I’ll be using MyFitnessPal to track calories and the app takes your calories you burn in to account which rocks).

So down to the meals for my new start:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1 cup unsweetened almond milk, 1/2 cup granola, 1/2 cup blueberries, 1 pot of mint green tea, and 1 packet of emergen-c (Kroger brand because I’m poor). That added up to 350 calories, and I realize if I was going to keep adding granola to oatmeal for better texture to do less oatmeal or granola because it ended up feeling like a heavy breakfast.  But I also have to realize that higher calorie meals are better in the morning than late in the evening when I usually tend to eat.

Snack: 1 small hass avocado (I ate that shit with a spoon because avocados are damn amazing) and a large mug of honey/lemon/ginseng tea during my meeting after another packet of emergen-c. This was around 340 calories and kept me energized and awake while running errands and making lots of follow up calls.

Lunch: salad of 2 1/2 cups raw spinach, 4 mini bell peppers, 1 cup of halved fresh strawberries, 1 cup peeled and chopped cucumber (half a cucumber), and 2 tbsp of ginger sesame dressing. Came out to under 220 calories.

Snack: 2 tbsp dark chocolate chunks to quell some really bad cravings I was having. This came out to 120 calories.

Dinner: Johnny and Paula took me out to Murphy’s before the AB radio show, and I was super nervous because I’ve only ever had beer there. But they actually had some relatively healthy options for food. So I had their “Natural” sandwich which was wheat bread, 1 slice Swiss cheese, avocado, sprouts, cucumber, tomato and spinach. I also got it with a salad with balsamic dressing on the side. And I skipped the beer as much as I wanted one. Wasn’t worth it. I knew I would be hitting 1500 calories easy today and without working out I didn’t want to doors damage.

There was also a small cup of black coffee from Lord Windsor towards the end of the day when Johnny and I were produce shopping.

So today feels like a good food day, and I was out of the apartment a lot which was awesome. I also need to get ready because Paula asked me to read a poem for the next AB show since it’s the International Women’s Day show. Super nervous and stoked.

Tomorrow I’ll do some editing, and clean up the format of this. I have a busy day starting really early so I definitely need to pack good snacks with me and tea and vitamin c packets. For now I’ve got my “Que Sera” station on Pandora playing, and I’m going to drink some chamomile tea and try to sleep.

Have a good night and please contact me with any advice, suggestions, and comments.

So there’s definitely been some editing and changing of this blog.

My goal for 2013 is to utilize this to keep track of the writing I’m doing, the progress of my work towards major weight loss and bettering my overall health and fitness, and I’d also like to use this to record the progress of my next chapbook, The Gaviota 10.

I pay for this domain name, I might as well keep updating it.