And this could easily lead to the throbbing pressure in my head, my bad mood at the end of each night, and my ridiculous need to find solace in ridiculous things – but this job hunting, and constant on-the-go, stuck-in-LA-and-OC-traffic, too-dressed-up Kayla that I’ve become is not the Kayla I enjoy being.
And it’s killing all of my energy.
I’m getting pulled in too many directions, unsure of what I want anymore while knowing what I want and repeatedly getting blocked from it. It’s a mindfuck.
My resume doesn’t feel like me when I read it, this person answering these questions doesn’t feel like me – but I’ve come to the point where I’ve realized in the predicament I am in, I’m going to shut my mouth, take care of business, and enjoy the sporadic sprinkling of good moments I get to have.
Like last night, I got to interview a great band I’ve listened to on and off for years, I got to see them live, and I got to remember something that has always made me happy no matter what.
Along with the next five to six hours of writing I plan to finish tonight (I’m on a mission), I also plan to work on some good playlists to keep on my phone and in my car so I don’t have to keep dealing with the radio, and repetitive talk radio. I need something to keep me together in traffic, something to wind down to after a difficult interview, something to sing loudly and badly to when I get yet another rejection email or call. I have it all so accessible, I don’t know why I’m not more prepared for days like today, driving back and forth, sitting in traffic, hanging in parking lots searching craigslist for any open interviews I can find.
I’ve been really lucky to see so much good live music lately. Some of the bands from the Orange County Music Awards, Ian, Zella Day, a random acoustic set at Viento y Agua, and Delta Nove and their beautiful random set last night. There’s something so healing about good music.
Food has been boring – and that’s on me. I don’t have the money to get the foods I want to eat that I know are good for me, so I’m doing the best I can with what I can afford. And the argument that it’s almost impossible to eat healthy while poor is very true. So I’ve tried to make some good choices and sacrifices. Yesterday after a series of interviews and errands I ran for my mom, when I picked up her groceries I picked up a super cheap frozen dinner.
Ugh I know. I’m a little ashamed of myself. BUT, it was a channa masala dinner (chickpeas, some kind of masala sauce thing, broccoli, cauliflower, and basically a small sprinkle of rice) only about 280 calories, not too many cals from fat or saturated fats. It was however crazy ridiculously high in sodium (as i predicted) and I made it a point for the rest of the day to keep an eye on anything else I consumed for it’s sodium content. I ended up making a spring/herb salad with yellow bell pepper and a whole tomato chopped on top of it with “asian sesame” dressing to eat along side the meal. I knew I couldn’t go wrong with that choice, and I didn’t feel as guilty afterwards. Though, it’s hard to feel guilty when you eat a large plate of leafy things and a whole tomato…
Today has been a very coffee fueled day. And I’m lucky I got used to drinking coffee black, because it’s definitely has helped cut down on any crazy sugar and calories I used to intake. I’ve been working on drinking more tea, especially with this weird weather that’s hot all day long and cold all night. A giant glass of black iced tea and tons of ice with a large orange wedge makes me way too happy – but we have to find happiness in something, right?
I’m writing and finishing off my night at one of my favorite Long Beach coffee shops, The Library. My day has consisted of: countless cups of coffee (okay maybe 5), dry granola, a banana, 2 oranges, and some weird protein/green smoothie Dana made for me (which I appreciate but didn’t help with the hunger thing as much as she promised), so for dinner I ended up getting a turkey breast, mozzarella sandwich on whole wheat bread. No mayo, and mustard on the side. I also got an iced tea to help wind down on the caffeine consumption I’ve worked on all day. I have to remember I can’t simply cut out carbs like I have been told forever, I just have to be cautious on what kinds I eat and how much.
Tomorrow’s another day. 2 more interviews, one in Long Beach a few minutes away from my apartment, and one in Torrance. My Delta Nove article is due for editing, and I have a great documentary screening with PSSA. Then I get to end the night with a chicken/bok choy/and something dinner at my mom’s.
Here’s some pictures to end this post, because I have no clue how and my brain is blanking:
And here’s some motivation I keep on my phone and reread at least twice a day: